It has been decades since the telephone answering machine came into common use. In the intervening years, the answering machine has morphed into the now almost ubiquitous voice mail. Technological changes aside, the functionality is little changed. Whether accomplished through a device attached to a telephone line or through software on the telephone company’s switch, the fundamental purpose is the same: to allow callers to leave messages if the callee is not available. In the following discussion, I will use the term voice mail to refer to all such technologies.
Given the length of time voice mail has been around, and its near ubiquity for many years, one would think that people would know how to leave messages. Alas, this turns out not to be the case. People make a plethora of errors that make retrieving or acting on such messages painful or even impossible. Let’s survey a few more common offenses.
Perhaps the most annoying is the long winded message. This is typified by the caller who talks for several minutes, often unrelated to the reason for the call, before mentioning his name or telephone number. In fact, these messages often run to the end of the allotted message time before getting to such important details. These callers often combine their dissertation with several other offenses making it extremely painful to extract useful information from the message. Often this technique is used by the caller to figure out just why he called or to cover up other confusion or cluelessness.
The tongue chewer or mumbler is a close runner-up to the long winded message. This caller can be easily identified. The message, especially important information such as the caller’s name and telephone number, is largely unintelligible. Sometimes it is possible to extract the information after listening to the message fifty or sixty times but there is no guarantee that what it sounds like is what was intended. This technique is often employed by the confused or clueless caller as a coverup.
The tentative or confused caller is another source of endless frustration. This type of caller will often talk very slowly or intersperse long silences or filler words like "ummmm" into the message. Important information will often be left out entirely or saved until the end of the message, often added as an afterthought with words to the effect of, "Oh, yeah, um, I guess you need my, um, number. Um. You can call me at, um…". This is very painful to listen to but because it engenders an involuntary sense of sympathy for the caller, or at least a sense of suspense, it is just marginally more bearable than the long winded message, even though it has all the same drawbacks.
Related to the confused caller is the clueless one. This caller does not know his own name or his telephone number. Indeed, he often has no idea who he is calling or why. Often the message left by such a caller is otherwise perfect. It will contain a telephone number and a name and possibly even a message such as "Please call me". Unfortunately, any of the critical information may be wrong. Additional points are awarded for the caller having left the callee’s telephone number instead of his own.
The speed demon is a perennial favorite. This caller will rattle off everything you need in a message and hang up. The advantage is the message takes very little time to listen to. Unfortunately, by the time you finish writing down the first two digits of his telephone number, the entire message has ended. Thus, you have to listen to the message half a dozen or more times just to extract the important information. This offense, while annoying, is not nearly so bad as the others. This technique is sometimes used by the confused or clueless caller to hand wave his confusion away.
I should note that even good message leavers end up leaving bad messages sometimes, often through no fault of their own. Often, technology fails causing calls to be dropped or otherwise be interfered with. Such messages are just as frustrating to the recipient as the offenses listed previously, but there is usually some audible cue that this happened (such as choppy audio or a sharp click before the message cuts off).
What would a list of complaints be without a constructive set of recommendations? No, wait, don’t answer that. It would be like any other blogger whining about life. Just to be different, I will provide several recommendations for leaving voice mail messages.
- Talk clearly. This means pronouncing all your words correctly, or at least as correctly as you can. This also means that you do not mumble or chew on your words.
- Talk slowly but not unnaturally so. This allows the recipient a reasonable chance of keeping up as he transcribes the important details for later use. It also helps with the previous point. This is especially important if your accent differs from that of the recipient. Remember, not everyone’s ears are tuned to the particular foibles of your accent or speech patterns.
- Enunciate extremely clearly for important details. In particular, slow down even more when leaving telephone numbers or other contact information, especially when the recipient is not certain to know the information. This also includes names, especially names that are likely to be foreign to the recipient.
- Be brief, but not too brief. Keep the message as short as you can without leaving out critical information. In particular, voice mail is not the place to leave a life story or even an excruciatingly detailed description of the reason for the call. Even when the greeting says to leave a detailed message, it is not an invitation for a long winded message.
- Include your name and telephone number at the beginning of the message. This way, if the recipient needs to replay the message to retrieve the telephone number or name, he does not have to listen to the entire message multiple times. This is especially important if you must leave a long winded message for some reason.
- Repeat the telephone number. One repetition is enough. This will reduce the chance that technological trouble will render the number unintelligible. It may also eliminate the need for the recipient to replay the message.
- Speak up. That is, do not whisper. Also, you may think your are talking loudly enough but if you are not talking into the mouthpiece of your telephone, you will sound like you are whispering. In particular, if you have the mouthpiece of the phone below your chin, odds are you cannot be heard clearly.
- Know the reason for your call and be prepared to leave a message. This is, perhaps, the single most important piece of advice. If you are prepared to leave a message, you are less likely to commit any of the offenses listed above. Remember, your callee is not sitting by the telephone waiting for your call. He may not be there. There is always a chance you will have to leave a message so be prepared to do so.
No doubt, people will be leaving terrible messages until the end of time. Still, there is no need for you to be one of them, especially since it is so easy to leave a good message.